The modern relationship scene is fraught with restlessness. Even with advances in matchmaking prowess and ‘wingman’ support for relationships through AI, dating apps repeatedly disappoint their users [1]. In-person dating is also becoming ineffective as young adults lose hope of finding a suitable partner to match their expectations. An American Perspectives survey from The Survey Center on American Life found that, “of single Americans, 30 percent say that not being able to find someone who meets their expectations is a major reason they are not dating,” with the difference’s being more pronounced among women [2]. Still, meaningful relationships are compelling; that same survey found that 52% of young men and 36% of young women are still interested in dating. How can we find and nurture truly loving relationships?
The Weight of Intentions
When attempting to strengthen relationships, we can easily be preoccupied with others’ perceptions. Societal expectations of what our relationship ought to be can restrict us from embodying our unique senses of self. If we allow these expectations to establish the foundations of our relationships, mistrust might arise when one finds that his partner’s outward persona fails to match her inner reality. Unspoken expectations and hidden motives can make it difficult to discern whether love comes from genuine love or simply the desire to fulfill others’ beliefs.
Consider, for example, the fictional individuals Leo and Lea who are on a date. Leo offers to drive Lea and pay for her, and Lea accepts the offer. Afterwards, Leo drops Lea off at her house. On the surface, Leo seems to have been kind enough to pay for Lea and himself on their date; however, these seemingly kind actions could stem from more complicated intentions. What if Leo merely did this to guilt Lea into another date? On the other hand, perhaps Lea’s past experiences make her suspicious of Leo’s generosity and cause her to remain emotionally distant and silently question his motives. Moreover, external pressures may have been placed on Leo and may have caused him to drive Lea to her place out of a desire to look good in front of her family. In all, the complexity of outside forces can make even the simplest acts of kindness in a relationship difficult. Even actions done from seemingly selfless intentions can allow doubt of potential hidden incentives to seep into a relationship, regardless of how good the action was. Thus, we bring restlessness into a relationship that is supposed to bring us peace when we relentlessly try to discern what is real.
The Power of Grace
In spite of the complexity of building trust, I believe success and assurance in a relationship comes from the grace we receive from God and then provide to our partners. Recognizing what grace is and where we find it will allow us to understand grace’s necessity and how to approach it. This exploration of grace, I believe, not only promotes relational flourishing, but can bring peace even amidst our current relationship culture.
The word grace has been utilized broadly, ranging in definition from merely being merciful to others to feeling grateful about our personal blessings. Grace takes on many forms, but Christians often define grace as a gift from God given to all of us in the form of Jesus’s life and death. Paul, a first century Christian, reinforces grace as a gift from God in his letter to the Ephesians where he describes how by grace, “are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves,” [3]. The Gospels reveal that Christians are saved through the grace of God’s gift of His only son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for the sins of the world.
In addition to providing salvation, this grace also helps increase faith, grants a hopeful outlook on life, and empowers Christians to lead a life of charity. In this sense, God’s grace is made evident through people in everyday interactions, not just things, words, or ideas. When Jesus was alive on Earth more than 2,000 years ago, He did not merely talk about grace in His teachings; rather, His life was filled with actions of giving grace. These examples were given in the Bible for Christians to imitate, and to follow God by living out His ways of grace. Consequently, in living like Jesus, Christians are also capable of giving grace to others, “in [His] name,” [4].
Humanity’s inability to live in grace-filled relationships with itself also affects its relationship with God. In the Old Testament, God gave His people, who repeatedly squandered His grace by exchanging it for selfishness, countless second chances. In the New Testament, Jesus gave new life to those that society rejected and considered undeserving of attention, including lepers and deceitful tax collectors. I believe that God’s continuous giving of grace in my relationship with Him—despite my inability to reciprocate it fully—allows me to offer grace repeatedly in my relationship. By imitating God’s charity of grace, I believe that we can come into deep relationships and learn how to become healthy and peaceful people as we graciously give grace to others.
Returning back to the Leo/Lea scenario, we can see why the concept of grace is still such an essential component in relationships. Without grace, our love, support, and charity in our relationships is incomplete. By the Biblical definition, refusing grace is refusing a gift from God. Though the grace we give will never be perfect, God’s power ensures that anything we give can be perfected by Him. By loving selflessly through the grace that God provides me, I find joy in knowing that the strength for my love comes not from myself, but from God, the source of perfected love.
If the source for a relationship is rooted in the everlasting Grace of God, then all relationships, including Leo and Lea’s, can be truly free from worries about hidden intents. If Leo recognizes that being on a date with Lea is a gift instead of a favor that needs repaying, he can approach Lea with humility and vulnerability and allows her to understand more of who he is. Likewise, Lea can be honest about her thoughts and appreciate Leo’s actions with a full understanding of his intentions. With patience and time, Lea’s family would have a full picture of Leo’s character and thus, a peaceful and long-lasting relationship can be formed.
Cultivating Grace
How do we approach and receive grace to give it better to others? Prayer and study are two factors that I believe contribute to a better comprehension of grace. Prayer allows me to reflect on what I lack and ask the Lord to deliver exactly that. I trust that God is able to equip me with exactly what I need to give grace to my partner. In my long-distance relationship, I have found that prayer helps transform my longing for my girlfriend to a desire to seek opportunities to love her well from afar. Through simple gestures like sending her ice cream on the day of her medical school acceptance, I am able to show her love despite physical distance, much like how Jesus loves me despite not being physically here with me. Additionally, Bible studies and academic reading from highly regarded Christians such as Thomas Aquinas or Christopher West allow me to learn how to emulate Jesus further by meditating on His teachings and actions. By learning how to better emulate Jesus, I improve my capacity to give and receive grace in my life today.
By entering into relationships with the intent of loving through grace, we can overcome the challenges presented by the modern day relationship scene. I believe that relationships can flourish through a continual cycle of receiving grace from God, offering that grace to your partner, then receiving grace back. It is continuous but good work that can help each individual grow in loving the other. Though it is difficult, I have experienced the Lord’s help in finding peace through His grace from His son Jesus Christ. Through God’s grace, we can flourish in relationships where rest and reassurance abounds.
By Angel Flores, Contributor
Angel Flores is a senior from San Benito, Texas. He is double majoring in math and economics with a minor in data science. Angel’s favorite snack has always been gummies since he was five years old!
References
- Stacey, Stephanie. “Dating Apps Develop Ai ‘wingmen’ to Generate Better Chat-up Lines.” Financial Times, August 30, 2024. https://www.ft.com/content/7df96597-8761-4315-8ac5-0d287c455de4.
- Cox, Daniel A. “From Swiping to Sexting: The Enduring Gender Divide in American Dating and Relationships.” The Survey Center on American Life, February 9, 2023. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/from-swiping-to-sexting-the-enduring-gender-divide-in-american-dating-and-relationships/.
- Ephesians 2:8 KJV
- Mark 9:39 KJV